My therapeutic approach

When it comes to unwanted sexual behavior, we tend to think of the behavior as the problem. To be sure, unwanted sexual behavior is a problem. But it is often a “solution” to a problem, namely emotional pain that we experienced in childhood. As children, we are born looking for someone to love us well. If we were abused, neglected, or simply not loved the way we longed to be, we are left with emotional wounds. To deal with the pain, we might have turned to sexual behaviors like pornography. Those behaviors soothed us, helped us cope.

Renowned addiction expert Gabor Mate said: “Don’t ask why the addiction, ask why the pain.” In my work with clients, I want them to get the help they need to manage their problematic behaviors. But we spend most of our time asking, “why the pain?” How were you wounded in your childhood such that you turned to sexual behaviors as a way to cope with emotional pain?

In my work with clients, I help them engage the formative stories from their childhood that reveal the emotional pain they carry. As we engage these childhood stories with kindness and curiosity, our relationship to those stories – and our relationship to ourselves – changes. We are able to access more care and compassion for ourselves. We learn that not only are we harmed in relationship, but we are healed in relationship.

Along the way, we realize that we carry our trauma in our bodies. Much of my work is also focused on learning to regulate the nervous system and facilitate the self-healing process of the body.

I am certified in Narrative Focused Trauma Care, which is an approach to therapy developed by Dr. Dan Allender that emphasizes the importance of story work. My therapeutic approach is also influenced by attachment-based and somatic therapies, including Polyvagal Theory and Internal Family Systems.